Big Things Start With Small Talk!!

Big Things Start With Small Talk

As a business coach, I have often witnessed companies withholding promotion from individuals who cannot relate to others on a personal level.



The smart and the savvy know a conversation that starts simply as a comment about the weather can be the beginning of a great friendship, a creative collaboration or a lucrative contract. Those who proudly proclaim, "I don't do small talk," are missing out on a world of opportunity. The true benefit of small talk is that it leads to big talk. Like anything, you first have to commit to investing the time and effort.

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If you have you ever found yourself tongue tied at a networking event or new client meeting, join the human race. We've all been there. Here are some techniques to help you establish the rapport that is essential for any type of relationship to begin.



Adopt the likeability factor:
We all want to do business with people we like and we believe like us. However, when we become overly task-focused, we fail to invest the time it takes to get to know someone, which inevitably begins with small talk. Likeability is simply helping others feel good about themselves when they are with you. Try treating others like they are a guest at your party and you are honored to have them attend.



Weather the first five minutes:
Five minutes is a generous estimate of how much time you have to make a connection with someone before they start looking around for the washroom, or even the exit. The mistake many make is trying to tell the other person as much as possible about themselves. Try focusing solely on the other person during the first five minutes of the conversation. Chances are they will reciprocate and become interested in getting to know you as well.



Embrace an attitude of genuine curiosity:
Next time you find yourself in a conversation with a new customer, acquaintance or stranger, try engaging them with a few curious questions - the kind you ask when you genuinely want to get to know a person. Remember, start small. "So, how many times have you been married?" isn't exactly the ice breaker I had in mind. Perhaps, "What interested you in coming to this event tonight?" or, "Where did you first meet our host?" are better places to begin. Then use open ended questions that allows you both to continue the dialogue.



Listen with genuine interest:
Stephen Covey, author of Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, claims that most people listen, not with the intent to understand but with the intent to reply. Sometimes we are so concerned about delivering our own "30 second commercial" about who we are and what we do that we are more waiting for our opportunity to talk (and maybe even practicing what we want to say), than really focusing on the person and what they are saying.



Believe me, the more interested you are in someone, the more interesting you will become to them. Use your eyes to reflect sincere interest; make them steady, sincere and warm.



Use the technique of paraphrasing:
We've all heard of reflective listening, but in truth, very few of us practice it on a regular basis. It is a powerful tool. After you ask that curious question, paraphrase the other person's response back to them. Not only will this ensure you understood them correctly, it shows them that you are truly engaged. In this world of multi-tasking and half-listening, you will have given this person the rare gift of being heard. Repeating, reframing or relating to the content shows you are truly in the present with them.



Find common ground:
The ultimate goal of small talk in any situation is to establish common ground. No matter how different from you anyone seems, there is always a way to connect. An executive I know once built a bridge with a new assistant she was struggling to relate to when they discovered they both had a secret passion for watching "American Idol." That same executive salvaged an acrimonious relationship with a colleague over lunch when they discovered they were both step-parents. Sometimes the tiniest twig of commonality can begin a fruitful relationship because people like people like themselves.



Lend a helping hand:
After you have engaged the other person and discovered their interests, think about whom you know or what information you have access to that could interest or benefit them. When appropriate, you could offer to send along some information or make an introduction. This establishes you as someone who is interested in his or her success. Helping others succeed is one of the fastest routes to your own success.



So, next time you find yourself at a business function where you want to begin a meaningful conversation, here are some easy tips to follow:



1. Relax. Everyone else is as nervous as you are about meeting strangers.



2. Approach people who are standing alone with a warm smile. They will be relieved that you reached out to them. Or, approach a group of at least three people. They will be less likely engaged in a personal conversation than just two people. To break into a conversation, simply say "Excuse me for interrupting, but I wanted to say hello and introduce myself."



3. Be the first to initiate the handshake that says I am a confident person who is happy to meet you. Make it memorable by holding on until you register the color of their eyes. Then let go.



4. Do your homework if you know who you are meeting. The more you invest in research about an internal or external customer, the easier it becomes to establish commonality.



5. Keep yourself current. Make it your business to know what is happening in the scientific and business communities, on major news items, sports stories and popular TV series.



6. Avoid looking like an interrogator for the FBI/RCMP. You will close down most conversations if you start punching out too many questions that begin with "Do you..." or "Are you..." or "Have you..." The goal of initial questions is to start a dialog. Be prepared to answer the same questions you ask.



7. Be authentic. Allow yourself to be open and offer some personal information that would make the other person feel comfortable. I am not referring to details about your "intimate relationships" :) rather, something about your kids, your passions, etc.

So, my friends, I encourage you to get out there, physically, into the world of opportunity. Blackberrys, iPhones and iPads can never replace a handshake, a warm embrace or an inviting smile. They are powerful tools, but they are not a substitute for human conversation over lunch. At least I haven't yet heard my BlackBerry ask to pay my bill.

Your Coach,
Bill